I was late to pick up the kid. (Mom of the year here, remember?) To be fair, this was the first time I was ever late to pick her up. Sometimes you’ve just gotta take that extra five minutes for yourself and have a damn romantic moment in a parking lot! She gave me a whole lot of shit for being late, so I took her out for Chinese to make it up to her. All was right with the world again. I was feeling all kinds of emotions at this point. Ranging from “Holy shit I like this guy a whole fucking lot!” to “What in the actual fuck are you thinking girl?! Men are all the damn same.” I knew I had to proceed with caution. I never wanted to be so guarded that I couldn’t let someone in, but I also had to protect myself. I did want to see him again as soon as I could though, regardless of the struggle between my head and heart.
We hung out again the very next day. Neither of us wanted to wait any longer than that to see each other again. When I got to his house, he came outside to meet me. He had a big smile on his face and gave me a hug. We went inside to find something to watch on TV. I had never before seen the show Shameless, but he said it was really good so he started it at the beginning for me. (Thanks to him, I’ve been binge watching Shameless to this day!) We watched a few episodes, and spent a whole lot of time staring at each other, talking, and of course the epic kissing. I loved the way he looked at me. No one has ever looked at me like that before. Could it be possible that he found me equally as incredible as I found him?
I had my Disney trip coming up and I was starting my new job. I had lots of training and orientation days to do, in addition to working my other job, taking care of the girls, and getting ready for the trip. There wasn’t much time in between all of that to see each other. We talked pretty much all day, every day though. I decided that I should take the chance on this one, and let myself fall. I could tell Kristoff anything. In fact I even told him things I’ve never told anyone else. He was the same way with me. We talked about every single topic we could think of. There was a whole lot of “Wow, you are really amazing!” and “No, you are more amazing!” kind of stuff flying back and forth. Totally cheesy, totally puke worthy, totally amazing. This was the first time I felt myself really building a friendship with a love interest, not just being infatuated with him.
I didn’t get to see him before we left for Disney. I was so sure he’d find a much prettier girl to talk to while I was away and forget about me completely. He swore he wouldn’t, and I really wanted to believe him. We talked the whole time I was on vacation. We sent tons of pictures back and forth, and he was kind of experiencing Disney vicariously through all of my pictures. We made plans for Christmas and New Year’s, and even possible plans to do Disney together. I missed him like crazy. We continued our conversations about literally anything we could think of, and I found myself completely falling for him. Everything I was feeling, he was reciprocating and I was starting to think that maybe this really could work out. Maybe he really is the guy that shows up, right after another one let me down, to show me that not all men are assholes.
This was the guy that was going to end the blog, I thought to myself, even though I had only just started it! I think it’s worth noting here that Kristoff knew about the blog. He has an English degree, so he shares my passion for words. He’s read every single post, and has continuously encouraged me to be true to myself and all of the stories I’m telling. This was really important to me, because if I’m going to be with someone, they obviously have to know about the blog. It’s part of me, part of my story, and they have to be willing to accept it, and laugh about it. Kristoff not only accepted it, he was super supportive of it. We even started to talk about what would happen when I got to his story. I told him that there was obviously no way I could keep his identity a secret if we really started dating. He was completely okay with it, and we even laughed about the silly things we could add to it since his identity wasn’t going to be a secret.
My Disney trip was just about over, and I couldn’t wait to get back home to spend some time with Kristoff. I was really missing him, and he was missing me as well. I was going to drop the girls off at their Dad’s house the night we came back, and then go and spend the weekend with him. Because it was almost Christmas, we had plans to do the whole cookies, cocoa, and Christmas movie thing that weekend. I was really looking forward to it! I’ve never before been excited to leave Disney, but I had something amazing to look forward to at home, so I’ll admit I was ready to leave!
We got on the road bright and early the next morning. Kristoff text me a little bit first thing that morning, but then there was nothing. I couldn’t deny the sinking feeling I had in my chest. I knew what this was going to be. I knew this was going to be Hans 2.0 and I just wasn’t sure I could handle it. We had talked about this. He had reassured me that it was okay to open up and that he had no plans to hurt me. (Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.) The few texts I sent him throughout the day went unanswered. Since I was supposed to see him that night, I sent him another one when I got home. That’s when I finally got a response. You know what would be less painful than falling for someone?! Punching yourself in the face, slamming your hand in the door, or falling down the stairs. All of these things would be way less painful than falling for someone, only to have them push you away. Kristoff was everything I was looking for in someone. If I could build my perfect match, I swear to you, it would be him. (I maybe would have made him just a little bit taller!)
The next few days were filled with the awkward back and forth. He said he wasn’t trying to push me away, he was just scared because he had never fallen for someone so hard and so fast. He was scared he was going to hurt me, and he thought it was easier to hurt me a little instead of a lot. However, he still expressed a very real want to be with me. There were days where it seemed like it was going to be the way it was, and then there were days where it seemed like it was really over. All I know is this came right before Christmas, and it couldn’t have been at a worse time. I was already having a hard time dealing with knowing I wouldn’t have my girls over Christmas break, but this whole Kristoff thing was really the cherry on top of it all.
I went through the range of emotions. I was hurt, mad, pissed, and sad. I still don’t understand how you can feel a certain type of way about someone, and be so sure about it, only to push them away. I guess I’m not the type of person that can do that, so it confuses me. Not only that, how am I ever supposed to trust a guy? How will I ever trust that the next guy who says he won’t hurt me, won’t actually hurt me? This is why women have trust issues. This is why the good guys have to fight even harder to break down a woman’s walls. They’ve been fucked over one too many times. This is the shitty side of dating y’all and it fucking sucks.
I actually just talked to Kristoff a few days ago. We both agreed that we want it to be the way it was, but yet, nothing. I do know that if someone wants to be a part of your life, they will be. It’s that simple. I don’t have time to play the “I’m not sure” game. Actions speak louder than words, and the effort has to be there. I’ve made plans with him a few times since the whole fall out, and each and every time he lets me down. If I never see him again (which I’m pretty sure at this point I don’t want to) at least he taught me that I can be completely myself, and someone will find me amazing. I know that the right guy will be all of these things and more, and I will never have to question it, even for a second. Here’s to hoping I’ll find him in 2018, but until then I’m going to have the time of my life!
To be continued with what I learned about dating in 2017, and some of my favorite messages I’ve received so far! Then on to 2018!