I hate to disappoint you, but this isn’t about Bachelor #4. I’ve been feeling some type of way this week, and writing is therapy (since therapy is expensive) so I’ve decided to get it out. I’m six months in y’all. SIX MONTHS into this new life. I fully understand that to a lot of you that doesn’t seem like shit. Maybe it isn’t. However, I’ve come a long way in six months.
Six months gives you time to change and heal. I’ll admit, I was reluctant to accept change at first. Aren’t we all? Change is hard. Even when change is a good thing, it is still fucking hard. Starting completely over at 31 years old wasn’t exactly in the plans, but I’m still so glad that I did. It took me a good two months to finally stop suppressing it all, because to truly embrace the change and heal, you’ve gotta feel it. You’ve got to feel all of the hurt, all of the anger, all of the coulda, shoulda, woulda’s, and let it out. You’ve got to forgive people who don’t deserve your forgiveness, because it isn’t for them, it’s for you. You’ve got to spend an entire week on the couch, until you’ve cried every single tear your body can possibly produce. You’ve got to look in the mirror for days following that epic couch crying week, and see those puffy eyes. Those eyes are proof that you’re changing. You are healing.
Once I accepted the change, I had to learn self-love. Self-love is harder than change. Self-love is something that most of us will never learn to do. Too many of us walk around every day, hiding parts of ourselves, because we are too damn scared to let others see who we really are. We don’t love ourselves enough to show it. We don’t love ourselves enough to be unapologetically us. Part of learning self-love (for me anyway) was to remember all of the things that I truly liked to do. What made me, me. I forgot how much I loved listening to music. I listen to music all day, every day now. I have a speaker that I carry everywhere with me. I forgot how much I loved to be silly and just laugh. I laugh all day long now. Sometimes, I laugh so much that even my daughter will ask me, “What on earth is so funny Mom?” I especially love silly kids jokes. Here’s a new one that I thought was hilarious. What did the 0 say to the 8??? Nice belt. Hahaha. Never gets old. I forgot how much I love to write. Writing was always my therapy growing up. I’d write poems, stories, songs, and in my journal every night. I write all the time now, and for some crazy reason, y’all are enjoying reading it. I started to remember all of the things that I loved, and then I started to look in the mirror. Because I was finding joy again, I was smiling. I missed that smile. Add a little bit of red lipstick, and it’s probably one of my best features! All of the money my mom spent on braces doesn’t hurt either. That smile is proof that you can find yourself again. You can love yourself.
Now that I’ve healed (although healing is a lifelong journey) and I can tell you that I wholeheartedly love me for me, that’s where the dating came in. If you are just joining me, I apologize; I’m not normally such a sap. You might want to go back to the beginning of the blog and read the funny stuff first. The dating journey y’all are following pretty closely and I’ve currently caught you up to Bachelor #3. At the time of me writing this, I’m on Bachelor #6, so as you can see we still have some catching up to do. But, like I said, this post isn’t about the dating. This post is because I’ve had a hard week.
If you haven’t checked your calendars, it’s two days until Christmas. I’m not sure if you celebrate Christmas, but if you do, you understand that it’s a pretty big deal. Christmas growing up for me was always about big family gatherings and togetherness. We’d always get together at someone’s home and have a big party complete with food, family, and fun. I always dreamed that my kids would get to be a part of those parties one day. They never got to be, because we moved down south. Thankfully, my parents moved too, so we at least have them to celebrate with, but it’s not the same. Christmas hasn’t felt like Christmas ever since. This year is even more different though. This year is the first year that my kids will have two Christmases. I didn’t think that was going to be such a big deal to me, but as the time draws closer, I can see that it is. My girls are not home this weekend, and I can tell you that I’ve spent a lot of my weekend crying. They will come home tomorrow, Christmas Eve, for exactly 24 hours before they will be gone for an entire week. That’s hard. I am thankful that they will wake up on Christmas morning with me though. Next year, I’ll probably be a bigger sap knowing that I won’t even get to see them that morning. But this is this year we are talking about, and I’m having a hard time with it. I think that I’ll be happier when the holidays are all over.
I took myself on a date this weekend, to try to take my mind off of things. I had been excited about a new movie coming out, and I actually had plans to see it with someone. Those plans changed, so I figured why the hell not? I’m fully capable of taking myself out to dinner and a movie. When life hands you lemons, you throw them away and buy yourself a damn steak. I’m kind of caught between this place of continuing to date, or trying to enjoy being alone a little longer. You know, I might just say fuck it and make myself Bachelor #7. But truth be told, six months in you get lonely.
Six months without someone by your side is tough. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got my parents. They have been life savers in this journey. I could have never done any of this without them. I’ve also got the greatest best friend in the history of best friends. She’s my best friend soul mate, and I would be an absolute mess if it wasn’t for her. But none of them can be my person. I didn’t set out on this dating journey to find my person. This whole thing was just supposed to get me out there and enjoy new experiences. I know that I want the real thing the next time around, and settling for less than amazing isn’t an option. The real thing takes time, and it can’t be rushed. Bachelor #4 (which I know you’re all dying to hear about) brought the possibility of a relationship into my life. It wasn’t until I met him that I had even considered dating someone exclusively. Even more recently, I met someone who I thought might end this whole blog. For now, I’m still writing, and you’re still reading. Possibly even cursing my name that this wasn’t about the little blue star as promised. But I promised to be raw and real, and this is part of it.
At the end of the first six months, at least I can say one thing. Despite the crappy holiday blues, I am truly the happiest that I have ever been. Finding yourself is painful, but well worth it in the end. I am unapologetically me and I wouldn’t change a single second of this journey. Here’s to a new year, because the best yet to come.